A Short Excerpt From My Up-and-Coming Bestseller, "Haikus: The Secretly Poetic Moments of Everyday Life in China"

Haiku #105: No Water for Over 24 Hours (No End In Sight)

Dishes rank piled high

I pooped big and it's still there

B.O. fills my lungs

Haiku #19: Wǒ Xiǎng Hěn Dōu Měiguó de Dōng Xi [I Miss a Lot of American Things]

Shopping Malls, Hip-Hop

Family, Friends, Sunday Football

I'd kill for tacos

Haiku #72: Bus Ride Suicide

For 1 yuan I die

Crushed by 10 million people

They all have bad breath

Haiku #24: Man Obviously Trying to Secretly Take a Photo of Me on His Cell Phone

Sneaky, sneaky man

Awkwardly holding your phone

Cheese, capture, send all.

Haiku #56 Leaving on a Jet Plane/ Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love Ya, Chengdu.

Socks, check, camera, check

New Year is here, off we go!

Need to buy toothpaste

Of Inaugurations and Bubbly Babies

Spring Festival is kicking into high gear here in Jinan. Fireworks shops are popping up everywhere to support the high demand for the entertaining yet very annoying things. Against all odds, I think I have succeeded in training by body to sleep soundly through the loud gun-shot-like bangs that frequently puncture the sweet nighttime silence. 

Just in time for the holiday, the Bird Flu is back in China! I was a bit frightened at first when I heard about it, especially because there was a death in Jinan. However, after reading some informative articles, I feel prepared to take the necessary precautions. No chicken, no eggs, and no pig, as they can contract the strain as well. In addition, no leopard or ferrets, which puts a huge dent in my daily diet. Hamburgers it is!

Despite the panic, the Chinese continue to be upbeat and happy about the coming festivities. Because most have off work, the streets are much more crowded than usual. People have begun stocking up on their party foods at the supermarket, leaving with garish amounts of eggs and cabbage. On one bus ride home, I sat in front of a baby who embodied such a happy-go-lucky sentiment. He was highly amused with my hair, and laughed hysterically when it moved in any way.

At home at Lixia Dasha, we had another reason to celebrate. The Inauguration of Obama was a huge event, one that I watched with a few fellow Americans live from Slingbox. His speech was extremely moving, and, though I don't agree with many of his policies, I truely believe he will be a great leader for this nation. And, as a toast from across the world to our new President, we partied. 

Good times!

Top 10 Most Exciting Events from the Past Few Uneventful Days

As the title so subtly suggests, the past few days have been relatively uneventful. To sum them up in such a way as to make my life seem much more exciting than it truely is, I have created a top 10 list. The most exciting event is number 1, so don't be deterred by the mundanity of the preceding! 

In the Past Few Days, I ...

10. Have been woken up at unspeakable hours of the morning and night by fireworks. For the past 2 weeks, as it will be for a few weeks after Spring Festival as well, these completely random explosions (which sound frighteningly like gun shots) will be common place.

9.  Had the overwhelming urge to watch the 'Sound of Music'. After viewing and singing along with the loveable Von Trapp family, I was pleasantly surprised at the feeling of contentment that filled up every empty space in my body. A spoonful of Julie Andrews' sweet voice really does make the medicine go down.

8. Ate at a fabulous new Thai restaurant. The curry was to die for, and the spices lingered in my breath for ages. Mmmm.

7. Busted out the pollution mask, a popular accessory in Jinan. Not only does it keep unwanted dirt particles out of my airways, but it does wonders protecting my face from the cold. It also adverts 50% of unwanted stares, as there is 50% less of my face to stare at.

6. Watched the new American Idol on my computer via Slingbox.  I'm also all caught up on 24, which was simply AWESOME this season. Slingbox holds a coveted spot in my list of  'Top 10 Best Electronic Devices Ever Invented In the History of the World'. It rests somwhere between the lightbulb and the iPod , followed shortly by the microwave .

5. Was told I bear a striking resemblance to Loona Lovegood. Which is better than Hilary Clinton, but still, crazy. And fictional. 

 4. Taught my Adult Intensive course the correct usage of the term 'baller'. They were mostly university students, and, well, they needed to know.

3. Discovered a forgotten pouch my wallet, which was filled with little trinkets from my worldly travels. Included were: a ticket for a child's admission to Disneyland Paris, a Parisian Metro ticket, a golden 'Cusquena' beer label from Cusco, a card for the Family House (where I stayed in Peru), a card for a club in Shanghai, and and old receipt from New York and Company (where I worked for so long in Chicago). Cool, huh?

2. Got hit by a bike. I was walking nonchalantly down the sidewalk, when BAM! Out of the blue, I was knocked over from behind by an old gentleman (hold the gentle) on a bicycle. Apparently superstars can be invisible, too. Even when they wear bright yellow coats.

1. Saw a woman get nearly squished to death by a bus door. Taking public transportation can be a bit... invasive, for lack of a better word, during certain hours. Taking a bus home at this unfortunate hour, I had to literally thrust myself into the pack of people, pushing hard enough so that the door could close behind me. After a few stops I managed, in a completely uncharacteristic stroke of luck, to grab a seat, unknowingly for the spectacle to come. 

 

From my safe perch, I watched as the bus crammed even fuller over the next couple stops. At last, there was literally no more room. Even if we all breathed in at the same time, simultaneously sucking in our tummies, we could not have physically fit another person on that bus.

 

Against all odds and logic, one woman decided that she was getting on the bus, whether there was space for her or not. After a shouting match with the driver, she stubbornly refused to get off. The driver, with stout resolution written on his face, began to shut the front doors with his lever. The woman braced herself against the pressure of the doors as the look on the driver's face hardened and contorted with anger. The muscles in his arm contracted as he pulled the lever will all his strength, slamming the door shut against this woman's immobile body. I watched in undisguised shock as she squeezed her eyes shut - as if she thought this was the moment her superpower would emerge from with in, causing the door to shatter against her invincible figure. 

Her face began to shake violently in pain, growing more red by the second, and just when I thought blood would start shooting out of her ears, she surrendered, thowing herself out of the bus in defeat. 

What added to the absurdity of this was the fact that he other witnesses on the bus barely acknowledged this was happening. There were no angry shouts from fellow bus riders, nor amused looks as she willingly accepted her death by bus-door-squishing. 

And that, friends, if life in China.

Food Poisoning, Bowser's Menacing Cackle, and Scrapbooking Band Together to Simultaneously Take Over My Life

Not that it was the first time, but I recently pulled through a pretty nasty bout of food poisoning. 

I have no idea what I ate, but MAN!  I wish I could travel back in time and pluck it straight off my completely bewildered past self's  tongue! Whatever it was, it has wreaked havoc on my body this past week. I ended up missing work Friday, Saturday, and, after attempting work on Sunday, had to leave early. Missing three days of work requires a trip to the hospital, so, before heading home Sunday, my roommate Anna (also ill), Smile (translator) and I stopped at the nearby hospital. 

This is the first time I have ever been in a Chinese hospital, and I hope it is my last. I don't like hospitals in general, but this was a whole other experience. Beds lined the freezing hallways, where patients were huddled in blankets, hooked up to IVs. Multiple family/ friends crowded onto the patients' bed for lack of seats, at the same time munching away on various foods. On one patient's IV stand, a sac of baozi hung from an adjuster knob. I was so mad at myself for forgetting my camera; the baozi on the IV drip would have made a fantastic shot! 

For those who do not know what baozi are, let me interrupt what I'm sure is a riveting tale and fill you in. Baozi, pronounced like 'bow-zah', sounds a whole lot like Bowser, which, in turn, is what I think of everytime I ask for one at the supermarket: the deep, evil laugh of Mario's nemisis echoing loudly in my mind. Baozi (Muah-ha-ha!) are steamed bread rolls stuffed with various things, from veggies to meat. 

They are a staple in every Chinese diet, and, subsequently, are quite tasty and very cheap. 

Anyways... back at the hospital, in an unexpectedly (un)thrilling turn of events, a swarthy doctor stepped our room and hit us with quick series of routine questions. Shortly after this completely unexciting interview, Anna and I grabbed our prescriptions from a small booth and got out of there. In total, it cost less than 50 yuan (7 dollars), and one hour of our precious time, to see a doctor and get medicine. Insane!

Besides resting and concentrating on getting better, life has been tugging quite nicely along in Jinan. I have been doing a lot of scrapbooking, and am intent on finishing the college years before I leave. It's funny scrapping past events, especially when you have had falling-outs and problems along the way. Take a look!

Anna and I are much better now, thank goodness. Last night, a couple people came over to our apartment for American Burger Night. I did not realize how much I missed burgers until this very moment. They are going on my list of 'Things I Must Immediately Eat Upon Returning to the USA". Even though the Chinese versions of the products were not up to par with their Savory American models, it was still a spectacular evening. 

I had bought a can of Bush's Baked Beans, but did not realize the battle that would quickly ensue. With a barely functioning can opener, the job could simply not be done. A few forks, several knife stabs, and a half our of frustration later, Anna managed to pry it open wide enough to pour the beans out. 

And, oh, they were tasty beans. Totally worth the blood, sweat, and tears of the whole ordeal.

For a string of I-STRONGLY-DISLIKE-CHINA Days, take a few Tylenol and remind yourself you're only in the country for 2 more months.

Everything post-spectacular always seems a bit duller than it should.

Since returning from Shanghai, I've had a few I-STRONGLY-DISLIKE-China days. The candid picture snapping, the giggling at my white skin and blonde hair, the insane bikers who believe they alone possess every right-of-way known to mankind, the oppressing smog that hides the sun, and the pushing and shoving to do almost any mundane thing are simply annoying and completely uneccessary.

Booking our next trip to Chengdu during the Chinese new year holiday was an added frustration. After the original booking, we received messages saying our return flight was canceled. After learning we would recieve a refund in less than a month, we attempted to book another flight. The login pages on the chinese website was overtly obnoxious in refusing to remember our account information, which resulted in us having to create all new accounts. The next day, we recieved yet another message that our flight to Chengdu had been moved. Argh!

Today, I really felt like I wanted to go home. I think the frustration with the country has finally gotten to me. As my honeymoon-phase with China draws to a close, I'm slowly realizing it's not the best place for me to live. At least not Jinan, anyway. Beijing or Shanghai would be great, with their western atmosphere and large community of foreigners. Jinan is much too constrictive, for lack of a better word. 

Another thing that continues to draw my thoughts to home is the number of fun things that I have waiting for me there. One of my best friends is coming to visit me in Miami on the 7th, right after I return home. I haven't seen her in a year! We'll grab a hotel room on South Beach for the weekend and party on the warm, sandy shores. Shortly after, I have my cousin's bridal shower, among other wedding planning, of which I have been nominated "Bridal Shower Captain". It's always nice to be in charge of something, and see it smoothly through. My family is taking a trip to Washington D.C., in April; I have wanted to go for so long! May marks my cousin's Bachelorette Party, and in June the wedding. These next few months are jam-packed for me, and looking foward to every moment of it!

On top of that, escaping the smoggy, dim, overcrowded chill of Jinan to sunny, warm, Miami seems hardly insignificant. 

Don't get me wrong, I am still enjoying myself immensely here. I have made some good friends, and have a lot of things keeping me busy these days. I will be sad to leave, and will draw a lot of fond memories from my exeriences in China. However, sometimes a girl just need to sit poolside in her family's backyard for awhile. Countdown Bikini begins now!

Zai Shanghai: The New Years Experience of a Lifetime

Just in the knick of time, our highly anticipated trip to Shanghai was upon us.

In total, about 20 of the foreign teachers from Aston left our depressing homes, still stinking of Christmas spirit, via a Sunday night sleeper train. These trains are very compact, with about 6 beds to a compartment. I had a top bed, which left me with not even enough room to sit up. Everyone chatted excitedly, and when the lights went out at 11pm, we were mid conversation. In our anticipation, we could barely sleep.

We arrived in Shanghai at 6am, and immediately booked our return tickets.  Our group of eight found our hostel, a small but friendly place, easily enough. Located right next to People’s Square, just one famous part of Shanghai, we strolled through this highly commercial district on our way there. Our mouths watered and our eyes widened as the memory of our Western lives consumed our senses. Subway, Starbucks, Hershey’s, Coldstone Creamery, H&M, Best Buy, Zara, Mango… this was heaven! We took a moment to celebrate this euphoria on the famous Nanjing Road.

Our first stop, as our group of 7 broke into two groups of four and three, was Starbucks. Andy, Rob, Stephanie, and I savored the taste of delicious coffee, while Andy’s camera began to snap pictures almost of it’s own accord. My dry erase marker, which was accidentally left in my coat pocket, made its first appearance as well. 

Then, it was off to the Bund. Though covered in fog, we took in the famous skyline with pleasure: the Pearl and Jin Mao Towers, the beautiful inlet to the Pacific Ocean, the passing boats, and the buzz of tourists. At this point, I realized that I was looking in the direction of America and my family: a moment of nostalgia that momentarily consumed me.

After exploring the Bund a bit, we made one of what would be many stops to Subway. I never knew a sandwich could taste so delicious. The famed Chinese Sex Museum was next on the agenda, only for us to discover it had closed down. That evening, we searched for a certain Mexican restaurant, whose review we found in a recent magazine. After walking for half and hour, and then searching the area on locals conflicting directions for another hour, we decided to give up. We ate pizza at a small place in People’s square, and then called it a night. Though the day had disappointed us, it was still laden with comic moments. 

Tuesday was New Years Eve. Andy and I got up bright and early to meet Emma, who had to arrive a day later, due to a Monday class. We immediately headed to Starbucks to pass the morning, and then were off to the Yuyuan Gardens. Old Town Shanghai was wonderful! It seemed far removed from the sprawling metropolis of the Bund and People’s square. Traditional Chinese Architecture clashed with the electric logos of Burger King, Dairy Queen, and Starbucks. 

The Gardens themselves were gorgeous, and provided us with ample opportunities to take numerous comic and completely pointless pictures. 

Walking back through Old Town, we passed a vendor who told me I was beautiful, and enthusiastically informed me that his son was single. His son then proceeded to dance with me in the middle of the road, afterwards telling me that I was his first girlfriend. We took a couple picture, and unwillingly parted ways. Ah, the woes of love.

The Jin Mao tower was the place of the night.  Exiting the subway, we found, to our chagrin, that there was absolutely no way around the massive construction site that seemed to be circling the tower. Walking along the edge, wondering if we would ever find a way around this seemingly infallible blockade, we discovered a break in the wall. Sprinting across a 100-meter stretch of wet cement (the women in stilettos, might I add) we finally crossed over to the Tower side.  Three separate elevators later, we finally reached the bar on the second highest floor to see the view, getting a fancy drink for the same price as traveling the next floor up. It was gorgeous, and unbelievably posh. I had a Blue Shanghai, which seemed fitting for the occasion. 

After, everyone was about to return to the hostel when, in a stroke of spontaneity, Stephanie and I decided we wanted to see more of Shanghai nightlife than just New Years. We headed to one of the most famous clubs, called Muse, only to find it rather lounge-ish and not suited to our dancing inclinations. Grabbing a taxi to the next location, we met the other half of the Aston Teachers at the Bull Dog, a traditional style English pub located in the French Concession. Unbeleivablely, there was no entrance fee for ladies, and free cosmopolitans on top of that, Cosmopolitans being my favorite drink, and my wallet feeling rather thin at the moment, this was simply AWESOME. Stephanie and I met a group of guys from San Francisco, who there on vacation. It was nice to get back in touch with Americans. All of my close friends are English here; although we had no problem connecting and having loads of fun, it’s different when your with people of your same background and nationality.

 

After the Bull Dog, Stephanie and I decided it was time to Dance. And dance we did, at a fantastic club called Mirrors, until we finally dragged ourselves out of the club at 5am. What had originally been projected as an early, mediocre night had turned into a randomly spectacular one. 

The next day, Andy, Rob, Steph, and I had a lye-in. We made it to Subway around 12, and then to Starbucks. After only a few days there, we had already developed a routine. We walked around the shopping mall for a while, and then back to the hostel to get ready for the night. Our first stop was the Hostel bar, where we had pizza as opposed to an expensive meal. Then, our group hit the streets to Spring Sunrise, a bar that Andy had found and booked us a table at for the night. As it turned out, he had booked us unknowingly into a private party of about 20 people. Also unknowingly, it was a Costume Party. Removing ourselves from this hilarious mess-up, we joined the other half of Aston crew at the Mural Bar, our saving contingency plan.

The rest of the night can be summed up in Pictures. We had so much fun, all the way until 4am!

The following day, we were all exhausted, but managed to check out of the hostel by noon. After Subway and Starbucks yet again, we walked around the French Concession, and then back to the Bund for some non-foggy portraits of the place. 

Afterwards, we made our way to the French Concession, finding the Subways literally jam-packed with people. That's China for you!

Catching a night train back to Jinan Thursday night, we fell into our tiny beds and slept like babies. Shanghai was just what I needed to break out of my post-Christmas funk. Watch out, China, Amy’s Back!